There's A Reason Why Some Scrolls Are Forbidden
by Hidoi Makaronioji-san
Summary: Naruto-tachi faces their greatest challenge ever when a forbidden scroll gets loose! Another total freakout from The Crazy Siblings. If you liked "Ninjas Don't Talk In Their Sleep", you can try this one.
1. The Forbidden Scroll!

**There's a reason why forbidden scrolls are forbidden**

Copyrights: The characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi -sensei.

Rating: PG [PG-13?]

Genre: humor

A/N: Another crazy Naruto fic from The Crazy Siblings [me, Deer and Cilla of the Shrimp Girls]. This one became long enough to be split into chapters. Read, try to survive and then, if possible, review. The names of the chapters have been made to resemble anime episode names, if you didn't get it. ;;

* * *

**Chapter 1: The Forbidden Scroll! A Plan To Acquire It Is Made! **

"Sorry, I'm late", said Kakashi-sensei as usual, although he didn't sound like he meant it. "I was helping the Hokage and the others to move this extremely dangerous and suspicious forbidden scroll to a safe place for tonight where it has to be kept until tomorrow morning, when it'll be sent to a place where it'll be firmly stored."

"Yeah right, and Sasuke's blonde", mocked Naruto. "At least this time you spent some time making up that lie!"

"But it's not a lie", Kakashi stated, sounding surprised. "Why are you doubting my words, anyway? I never lie, after all."

"I'm not gonna believe a thing like that! I'm not that much of a fool!" Naruto kept insisting, pointing at his sensei with his index finger. "Shinobi read the hidden meanings within the hidden meanings! That's what you said, isn't it? You just tried to deceive me with a lame lie, but I didn't fall into the trap! I successfully used my wondrous instincts and revealed your sly plan! Admit your defeat!"

"Oh, please", muttered the two other shinobi students. The former of them, Sakura, didn't really know whether to believe Kakashi-sensei or not [she was quite sure the story was false, though], and the latter, Sasuke, didn't really care. The idiot Naruto was just taking more of their precious practising time.

"Well, if you're that eager to see it, come with me", Kakashi figured out. His students followed him to an old house standing in isolation from other households nearby.

"Somehow, this place creeps me out", whined Inner Sakura, but was ignored by everyone as they entered the creepy house. Its walls were black and cold - it was almost as they were stating 'keep out, intruders'. Kakashi didn't seem disturbed by the atmosphere, he just kept walking until they quite soon reached the end of the corridor. There they saw a solid metal box that was bound in chains and an unnecessarily big padlock; Sasuke spotted that it was also protected by well-cast jutsus.

"See? I was telling the truth", said Kakashi happily, patting the box in a friendly way. Naruto let out a disappointed 'humph', but was still sending some interested glares at the box.

"Is there really a forbidden scroll inside?" asked Sakura, her eyes wide open. "You don't get to see too many!"

"This is an exceptionally dangerous and strong scroll", Kakashi told them - somehow, his tone of voice was quite eerie, or it was just the house playing with their imaginations. "It must never be opened again!"

The jounin turned around, giving a happy-go-lucky expression to his team. "Well, shall we start today's lesson?"

"Hai, sensei", answered everyone. Naruto looked at his fellow students, developing an ingenious plan in his mind.

* * *

"Today's the day."

Naruto stared constantly at the house where the forbidden scroll was kept. He had his arms crossed and his grin was determined.

"What day?" Sasuke asked carelessly from somewhere. "Naruto's bathing day?"

"No", Naruto snarled at him. "Today's the day I, Uzumaki Naruto, the future Hokage, will find out the secret of the forbidden scroll."

"What?" asked Sakura, also from somewhere.

"It's true", blustered Naruto. "I've planned it for the whole lesson! Finally it's ended, and our sensei's gone! And tonight I'll do it!"

"You're kidding", Sakura sighed.

"I'm not! My plan's waterproof. Nothing can go wrong! I'll find out about that forbidden scroll and boast at everyone that I have something they don't!"

"Bruises in your butt after getting caught?" Sasuke mocked. Naruto was obviously going to hit him.

"But what about Kakashi-sensei's warnings? That scroll is really dangerous! You should listen to him and stay out of trouble!" Sakura told him. "You - you'll end up doing something stupid and endanger us all..."

"Nah, he was just lying to keep us away from that scroll", Naruto laughed, putting his hands on the back of his head as lifting his head carelessly [after hitting Sasuke hard]. "I'm not going to hurt anyone seriously with that scroll, I just want to know what's written on it! Just to boast about it, I already said!"

"That's pretty desperate", Sakura said, but had to admit to herself that she was interested. "The scroll is guarded well. There's no way you'll even get there."

"I've got one before", Naruto told her patting Sasuke's bump. "When I, ahem, stole a forbidden scroll and mastered Kage Bunshin no Jutsu. It's been pretty useful!"

Sasuke and Sakura's curiousity was aroused.

_Hmm... You can learn that kind of things with the scrolls? _Sasuke thought.

_Naruto's really boasting about stealing a forbidden scroll? But that jutsu is quite impressing..._ pondered Sakura, still very worried.

"If I can't make it through to the scroll, I won't be worthy to become a Hokage ever!" yelled Naruto impatiently. "I'm gonna do it! I'll certainly do it! I'll acquire the scroll no matter what they're gonna do!"

"You idiot, you'll be crawling back here whining before long", Sasuke muttered, an arrogant smile on his face. "You wouldn't make it even if I helped you, which I'm not going to do."

"If Naruto's attemping to get the scroll, I'm going with him! Somebody has to watch over him so that he won't cause any trouble with it!" Sakura insisted, sending demanding glares over to both Sasuke and Naruto. "Sasuke, you should do it too!"

"I won't", said Sasuke with a firm tone of voice. "If Naruto wants trouble, he can go and plunge into it himself. I won't do it for him."

"You damn Sasuke! You just don't have the guts!" growled Naruto. Sasuke merely sniffed at him.

"I'm not going to play that kind of child's games", he mumbled. "You can't make me do it with things like that."

"Oh yeah? I'm not sharing the scroll with you, anyway!" Naruto shouted in rage, bringing his face right in front of Sasuke's. "Sakura-chan can get a glimpse at it, but you, never! Then we'll know about all the cool jutsus but you won't know anything, and everyone'll think that you're really stupid! Who's the idiot? Who is?!"

"Like that's ever going to happen", answered Sasuke, laughing at his nose. "I won't change my mind. No matter what."

* * *

"How did I end up to do this?" complained Sasuke, but quickly shut up. When attempting to break into a heavily-guarded building a shinobi should stay silent. Naruto wasn't behaving as wisely as he was.

"It doesn't seem like anyone's watching, let's go!" he yelled out and prepared to proceed with the operation, but Sakura hit him hard, hissing:

"What are you doing? These guards are ninjas! They're not supposed to be within sight!"

"Using genjutsu and turning into jounins would be the best option", Sasuke pondered, glaring intensely at the dark house. "But who could we pass as?"

"Kakashi-sensei could enter!" Naruto said, trying not to move the leaves of the branch he was sitting on.

"We don't know if he's guarding it right now", Sakura disagreed. "The guards'll probably kill anyone entering the grounds without permission. It's too dangerous!"

Naruto grinned.

"It's about the time to use my plan, then", he giggled. His teammates looked at him, not knowing what to think.

* * *

"I told you, it was a perfect plan!" Naruto laughed aloud, stepping along the dark corridor leading to the scroll. "A flawless one!"

"I can't believe that even the female shinobi fell for it", mumbled Sakura, her faith in the elder ninjas seriously shaken. "All... all that blood!"

"What I can't believe is that they put such a bunch of perverts to guard this scroll", snorted Sasuke. "A shinobi should be prepared for everything."

"Even for a naked woman appearing out of nowhere?!" Sakura coughed. Naruto guffawed; he was apparently content with the outcome of his special jutsu.

"There it is!" he exclaimed, pointing at the box. It was open.

The explanation for such an unexpectable incident stood right next to the box.

"Wha...? How... How did you get here?!?!" Naruto screamed at Rock Lee, Neji and Tenten, who were holding the chain that had wrapped the box in their arms. All of them looked more than surprised.

"That is exactly what I should ask you!" Tenten shouted back at him. "I mean, if you guys could get past the guards, they were definitely just slacking around!"

"I used my secret perfect plan! What about you? It's really hard to miss those eyebrows!" Naruto kept yelling. Rock Lee frowned, seeming a little guilty as he held the chain.

"Neji's Byakugan was of great help", he just murmured, staring at Sasuke. "So you too want to know what kind of secret jutsus have been sealed into the forbidden scroll."

"It was my idea! You stole it!" accused Naruto, when yet another hoot interrupted him:

"What the hell - ?"

"It's Sakura!" gasped Ino, who had just arrived with her teammates, Shikamaru and Chouji. The latter wasn't eating anything this time, which was quite alarming.

"Ino, how - what?" Sakura gasped too, not knowing what to say.

"I don't believe this", Neji muttered, lowering his gaze to face the box which still included the forbidden scroll. "Everyone can't have got the same idea of robbing this scroll, can they?"

"It - it seems they can", they heard another voice, a voice that belonged to Neji's cousin. The boy was astounded.

"Hinata-sama?!" he practically screamed. "No way!"

"I'm sorry", wheezed Hinata, almost teary-eyed.

"What are you apologizing for?" growled Inuzuka Kiba.

"I'm sorry - I mean, uh, ah, well, it just happened", Hinata continued. She spotted the surprised Naruto and flinched.

"Don't forget us", a voice came from the corridor. The Sand team, Gaara, Kankurou and Temari, were there as well, glaring at the other students very angrily.

"We want the scroll as well", Kankurou said arrogantly. "Get out of our way!"

"Or you'll regret it", laughed Temari. Rock Lee made a move towards the box, but stopped almost at the same time.

"Ah - the scroll?" asked Hinata carefully. Lee's normally round eyes had widened even more.

"It - it's gone!" he gasped. Everyone drew a quick, surprised breath.

"Who could've...?" Tenten whispered, looking at the others to find the one who had managed to take the scroll from the front of her eyes.

Suddenly, a blinding light emerged from the dark corner behind the metal box. Most of the ninja students jumped farther to find a place to hide themselves, the others just sheltered their eyes... the light formed into a long scroll floating freely in the air... and a cheerful voice yelled out:

"Cheerio!"


	2. The Secret Of The Scroll!

**Chapter 2: The Secret Of The Scroll! Everyone, Watch Out!**

There was a long silence. The scroll had stopped emitting light and was now flying near the ceiling. Everyone could discern a smiling face on the scroll.

"Ch... cheerio?" gasped Shikamaru, completely dumbfounded just like everyone else. The scroll developed a huge, annoying grin.

"That's right! I was greeting you! And you're not going to answer me? How rude! After all, I was sealed for a loooong time, and I'm finally back! Whee-hee!"

"A talking scroll?!" Ino screamed. "How can that be..? A talking forbidden scroll?!"

"That's right, me!" rejoiced the scroll, circling restlessly in the air. "My name is Nils Börje, but you can call me Nils or Nils-chan - hey, Nils-sama would sound great!"

"Mwahahahaaaaa!" laughed Naruto out loud. "Hahahaha! I can't believe this! What kind of a scroll has a stupid name like that? Ah - hah - huahahahhahhaaaaaaa!"

The scroll, Nils, let out a small 'hmph', frowning at Naruto.

"Oh? And what, may I ask, is your name, little boy?"

"I am Uzumaki Naruto, better to remember that!" yelled Naruto and continued his maniacal laughter. Nils smiled slyly.

"Oh, I sure will..." he giggled. "Suddenly Naruto was wearing a Marimekko dress!"

Naruto's laughter died out in a second. The same second he noticed that his clothes had indeed turned into a flower-patterned, red-and-white dress. Everyone stared at him, their eyes popping out of their heads, their chins falling to the floor. Only one voice was heard in this absolute absurdness: Nils Börje's insane laughter echoed throughout the house.

"Oh, damn, that's funny! I've dressed a lot of guys like that, but you look stunning! Simply ingenious! I'm a genius scroll! I'm the best! Oh, yeah, I love this!" it kept screaming. Sakura reached out carefully and pulled the hem of Naruto's dress a couple of times to ensure that it really was on him. Finally, Naruto regained his voice.

"What did you do to me, you damned thing?!" he shouted, shocked. Nils didn't answer him, but chuckled:

"Tee hee, this is great. Let's do some more. Hey, you there! You, boy, what's your name?"

The question was addressed to Shikamaru. He hesitated and mumbled for a while and finally stuttered:

"Nara Shikamaru."

"Nice hairdo", Nils said. "Suddenly Shikamaru became a ballerina!"

Just as quickly as Naruto's laughter had died, Shikamaru's clothing changed into a bright pink tutu and he was dancing around the corridor, his face reflecting ultimate shock. He made a couple of pirouettes and jumps, shrieking loud all the time:

"Wh - what the hell is this?! I'm not doing this, something's making me do it! Help me!"

"How cute", Nils hummed. "We can end the show with splits!"

Shikamaru let out one silent 'oomph' as his legs spread into splits. His body let out a huge 'crack'. Ino and Chouji gasped of horror and everyone else just stared, not knowing how to react. After a short silence Shikamaru let everyone know how much he was hurting by screaming very loud.

"Don't worry, he'll live", comforted Nils from the ceiling, sounding extremely amused. "Now, let's continue! I've been sealed for too long to stop yet! Who's next?"

"That scroll is insane! Somebody stop it!" Ino cried as she ran with Chouji to help Shikamaru. The poor boy was still whining and ashamed of his clothing. Sasuke stepped forward, with a stern look on his face.

"I'll seal it", he said, preparing himself.

"Oh no, you won't", Nils exclaimed. "A brat like you won't be able to seal me! Last time it was the 4th Hokage!"

"Don't listen to it, Sasuke-kun!" yelled Ino. "Just get rid of it!"

"Hmm, Sasuke?" Nils chuckled. "Suddenly Sasuke was standing on his hands!"

The next moment Sasuke was facing ground, unable to make any seals with his hands. After another moment he tried to make it back to the normal position, but he couldn't get his hands off the ground. And after yet another moment he noticed that during the feverish shaking he had done to turn around his shirt had begun to trickle towards the floor, revealing his stomach and part of his chest.

"Oh, shit", he thought. The girls hid their faces in their hands to save poor Sasuke from total shame. Nils was very pleased by the sight.

"I'm so great", he giggled, slithering around in the air. "Now Sasuke says 'You're wonderful, Nils-sama'!"

"You're wonderful, Nils-sama", escaped from Sasuke's lips. "Aaargh! How can he make us do things like that?!"

"Well, it's the truth. I'm wonderful", Nils laughed, looking for the next victim. Sakura came to Sasuke's help; she pulled his shirt back up and tried to turn him around, but Sasuke was stuck.

"You know, this'd be really funny unless it wasn't", said Naruto illogically. He was still wearing the dress, which just wouldn't come off.

"What do you mean it isn't funny?" Nils asked. "It's damn funny! I love it! Well, now, what's your name?"

Neji, who the question was addressed to, hastily answered:

"I won't tell you!"

"Oh really?" Nils pondered. "Suddenly Naruto told me that boy's name!"

"Hyuuga Neji", Naruto said. "Uwaah! I told it! I'm sorry! I really am!"

"You - you", accused Neji, but couldn't come up with anything before Nils yelled out:

"Suddenly Neji was floating in the air!"

And he was. Neji found himself upside down in the air. He tried to swim back to the ground, but was somehow pulled back up to the ceiling every time he tried to reach Lee and Tenten's hands.

"Put me down", he growled to the scroll. "Or else I'll attack you."

"Grab it, Neji!" Tenten spurred him. But Nils was prepared.

"Suddenly Neji was afraid of heights!" it shouted. Neji's eyes widened when he saw the ground and everyone else looking at him there.

"Oh God, this is high up!" he squealed, covering his face with his hands. "Put me down! Put me down! Please, put me down!"

"No I won't", giggled Nils happily. Its smile widened as it started to swarm around Neji. The poor ninja tried to get a hold of it, but it kept absconding from his hands, laughing gleefully.

Kiba couldn't help letting out a few chuckles, but Hinata was upset: she stepped forward as well and raised her voice:

"Please, Nils-san, let my cousin down, he's scared!"

Nils looked at her, curious.

"He's your cousin? I can see the resemblance", it hummed. "Then, your name is Hyuuga...?"

"Don't you dare to do anything to H - her, you stupid toilet paper roll, or I'll catch you and use you as one!" Naruto threatened, pulling the sleeves of his dress up to make sure that Nils got what he meant. The scroll wasn't pleased; it frowned and looked down at Naruto.

"Suddenly Naruto was tap-dancing!" it yelled as a punishment, and Neji's quiet whines were quickly forgotten when everyone were staring at the dancing Naruto.

"Damn it!" Naruto growled. Nils was now scanning the crowd, apparently it had forgotten about Hinata.

"Hey, the guy in the teddy costume!" it whooped at the Sand team. Kankurou frowned, looking a little amused.

"Me?" he asked. Temari laughed out loud, saying:

"You've just been playing around with these little no-good ninjas, but we are a different matter! Prepare yourself, scroll!"

"I am the almighty Nils Börje and can't be defeated by anyone", Nils boasted. "Suddenly Naruto told me the names of those guys over there."

"Gaara, Kankurou and Temari", Naruto said. "Wow, I didn't even know all three..."

"Haa!" Nils yelled out. "Now, let's find out who is who... Suddenly Kankurou sneezed!"

Kankurou sneezed loudly. Temari tried to drown the noise by clearing her throat and telling Nils:

"That's not gonna work on us!"

"I doubt that", Nils smiled. Temari pulled out her fan and prepared to attack.

"Say your prayers!" she yelled and jumped towards Nils. But the scroll was quicker.

"Suddenly Neji blundered into the girl with the large fan!"

Very quickly, the still whining Neji dove through the air straight at Temari. They both shrieked and Temari fell onto the floor.

"Temari!" Kankurou called, but hurried to shut his mouth. Too late.

"So you're Temari, eh?" Nils chuckled. "Hmm, suddenly Temari's fan turned into a huge fly!"

"Wuaaaaah!!" Temari screamed and threw the fly from her hands to the wall. It flew up to the ceiling and begun to circle around Neji, who desperately tried to shoo it away.

"Take it away from me! Take it away, it's huge! Somebody help me down!"

Hinata couldn't take the boy's humiliating anymore and covered her eyes.

"Mwahahaha! This is great!" Nils roared with laughter. "Hehehe... so you must be Gaara, over there, right?"

Gaara didn't say anything, just glanced at the scroll coldly. Kankurou and Temari ran over to him.

"Don't you dare to do anything to him!" Temari snarled. It didn't stop Nils, who now declared:

"Suddenly Gaara was skipping rope!"

"Where did that rope come from?" wondered Sakura as she stared at the rope-skipping Gaara. She was still holding up Sasuke's shirt, while the boy was still standing on his hands, while Naruto was still tap-dancing in the Marimekko dress. Gaara's expression didn't change, he just kept glaring at Nils, who just kept laughing. Temari grabbed Gaara's hand to stop him, but was sent flying against the wall.

"You look just fine", chuckled Nils. "What would I do next...?"

"We need help", Sakura whispered to Ino, who was closest to her. "This scroll can't be stopped by us genins alone! Somebody has to get the teachers!"

Ino nodded, passing the message on to Shikamaru [who was still recovering] and Chouji, who passed the message on again. Finally it reached Lee's ear.

"I'll do it!" he said, determined. "I'm fast! Wish me luck!"

"Good luck", said Tenten, when Lee dashed towards the door. Nils watched him go, then carefully asked:

"Hmm, what is that egghead boy called?"

"Lee's not an egghead!" Tenten screamed, then quickly shut up. "Oh no!"

"Suddenly Lee was running in place!"

Rock Lee was horrified to notice that he wasn't moving an inch no matter how fast he was running. He hadn't heard Tenten's revelation, but he still figured out quickly what had happened.

"Tenten, you idiot", muttered the still floating Neji, who tried to keep looking at the ceiling to avoid panic. Unfortunately Nils heard him.

"Now Lee walks backwards here back to us... and then... Tenten plays horse polo and Temari is her horse!"

"What!?" shouted both of the girls before Temari felt Tenten's weight on her back and Tenten found a stick from her hand. Without knowing it, she begun to chase a small ball on the floor, Temari running on all fours after it. And all the time they both yelled for help.

"Hahahahahaa, this is going to kill me! I'm a genius!" Nils cackled. But then it [and all the others that weren't shrieking] heard voices from outside:

"What's going on here?"

"Oh my poor nose..."

"What was it? What the hell was it?"

"What are those noises?"

"What a divine view it was..."

"Someone's here! Come on!"

Sakura gasped and let go of Sasuke's shirt, which fell off completely ["Shit!"].

"It's the guards", Sakura sighed.

"We're saved!" Chouji cheered.

"You think so?" Nils asked and its tone of voice didn't promise anything good. "Suddenly everyone in this corridor teleported to the Gob desert!"

By the time the guards reached the place, everyone were gone. The only thing in the corridor was an empty box.

* * *

All right, some explanations about our weird insiders: 1) Nils Börje is a Swedish name. Because everyone loves Swedish, right? Especially us Finns! 2) Marimekko is a Finnish designer. Flowers are often used on their clothes. 3) Calling Lee an egghead is an old joke. I'm sorry for all the brain damage Nils has caused you. I don't like it either. Or do I? I hope not. To be continued VERY soon.


	3. A Total Disaster!

**Chapter 3: A Total Disaster! What Happened To Sasuke?**

"Oh man, this is great."

"No, this sucks!"

The young shinobi sheltered their eyes. There was sand everywhere; sand in the left, sand in the right, sand beneath them, and Neji - not sand - above them. The heat was unbearable. Nils looked at his victims and said:

"All right, everyone can stop what they're doing. And Neji can fall down from there."

Sasuke fell down onto his face, Naruto fell on his butt, Gaara dropped the skipping rope and Tenten fell off Temari. Neji evoked a lot of noise ["EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHH!!"] and an enormous cloud of sand.

"Never again! Don't ever take me so high up again, never ever!" he gasped, grabbing his pounding chest. He embraced the ground crying. Hinata did her best to comfort him.

"You're so funny!" Nils laughed at Neji. Sasuke rubbed his nose, pulled his shirt back on, stood up and started making seals with his hands.

"Oh, no you don't!" screamed Nils as it spotted what Sasuke was doing. "Suddenly Sasuke - turned into a _woman_!"

The following sight was astonishing. Everyone could see Sasuke's chest rise like dough. The boy gasped in horror and stared inside his shirt, not believing his eyes.

"O - OH MY GOD!" he shrieked in a low female voice. "Breasts! I've got breasts! Breasts, goddammit!"

Sakura and Ino both fainted. Shino, who had barely moved since the scroll was opened, now buried his head inside his collar. Kiba covered his eyes and said:

"Please don't shake them..."

Sasuke froze completely.

"Now, what next?" Nils thought. It noticed Shino's hair sticking out of his collar and wondered:

"Hello, what's happened to your head, little boy?"

"Nothing", Shino murmured. "And I'm not a little boy."

"Hey, what's your name?" Nils continued hypocritically. Shino didn't answer it. Sasuke leaned at Naruto and hissed:

"Naruto, please, once in your lifetime, do something when I ask! I'm asking you!"

"You expect me to do something?" Naruto said. "You're the cool guy, aren't you?"

"Well I'm not anymore!" Sasuke insisted. "Naruto, pleeeeaaase! You're just scared he'll do something to you, right? Can anything be more horrible than this?"

"But you're still a guy inside!" Naruto claimed.

"Oh, you wanna see _inside_ my shirt?!" Sasuke growled. "Doesn't look like a guy to me!"

"Hmph", Naruto mumbled. He looked at his dress, then at Sasuke's chest, then at Nils, who now tried to make Kiba tell his name. Then, incredibly, unbelievably, he came up with an idea.

"Don't worry, Sasuke", he chuckled. He turned his back at Nils so that the scroll wouldn't see what he was doing, then made a couple of seals with his hands. And before they knew, a bunch of Naruto clones, all wearing the flower-pattern dress, appeared out of thin air.

"Let's get him!" he yelled out. As all the Narutos leaped to reach the annoying scroll, a dyne of sand gushed towards it too. The scroll dodged both of the attacks, then sent evil looks to both of the attackers, Naruto and Gaara.

"You made me mad, like that Sasuke-chan", it growled, then smiled happily again. "You shall be punished for this!"

"Just try! There're too many Narutos around here! You won't know which one of us is the real one!" shouted one of the Narutos, laughing and making vulgar signs at the scroll. Sasuke slapped his head.

"You moron, he only has to utter your name!" he - or is it she? - snarled. At the same moment Nils whooped:

"Suddenly all the fake Narutos turned into statues!"

Naruto found himself standing in the middle of a bunch of white Naruto statues.

"Woops", he squealed. Lots of other students, like Shikamaru and Lee, followed Sasuke's example and slapped their heads.

"Oh hohoho", laughed Nils. "I can't be tricked that easily. And now, for your punishment!"

Naruto grabbed his chest, scared that he would be turned into a woman as well. Even Gaara's eyes widened a little.

"Once upon a time", started Nils telling, "there was... a prince... he was the prince of the desert... he was Gaara."

Gaara's clothing changed into a frilly outfit with a small crown decorating his head.

"And there was a princess of the desert, Naruto..." continued Nils. The boy's Marimekko dress turned into a pink princess dress covered with lace and ribbons.

"What?!" shrieked Naruto, feeling the silver tiara on his head.

"And they were deeply in love", Nils stated, glitter floating around its face.

"Like hell we are!" shouted both Naruto and Gaara at the same time. Nils seemed to be thinking about the continuation of the story, and then told:

"After a long time spent separated from each other, the prince and the princess finally reunited. They ran towards each other over a large, flowery field, spreading their arms ready to embrace each other..."

"Stay away from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" screamed Naruto in vain. Soon he was shut in Gaara's involuntary embrace.

"You're dead", growled Gaara at the giggling scroll. It didn't care, but kept telling:

"But there was a knight - a female knight - who was jealous and wanted to have the princess herself! And that knight's name was Sasuke! With her loyal steed Shikamaru she rode to the castle to kidnap the princess!"

Sasuke did as Nils said: s/he rode over the flowery field on Shikamaru, dressed in a knight's armor, which made very clear what sex s/he was. Shikamaru was now wearing a saddle in addition of the tutu.

"Inside the castle, the prince was celebrating with his lovely bride", continued Nils its eyes in tears. "'Oh, my dear', he said. 'Tonight we're finally going to get married and become eternally happy!'"

Gaara repeated the line, but his face showed he didn't mean it. Not one little bit.

"'Yes, my love', answered the princess. She told her maids to dance to them while they were waiting for the preparations to be done. The maids were..." Nils looked at the girls lying on the ground. "My dear Neji, won't you tell me the names of those unconscious girls?"

"Yamanaka Ino and... Haruno Sakura", Neji stuttered, trying to stop himself from uttering the names. Happy, Nils declared:

"So, the maids were Ino and Sakura! And... Lee!"

"What?" could Lee whine before he found himself in front of the royal pair, dancing in an outfit that looked like one that an Arabian dancer would wear. A female dancer. Next to him, Sakura and Ino woke up to notice they were doing the same.

"Oh no!" both of them screamed, knowing that Nils had made someone tell it their names.

"How does he remember all the names?" murmured Shikamaru while trying not to crash down under Sasuke's now increased weight. Hinata, Shino and Kiba stared at the show.

"We'll have to do something!" Hinata squealed, almost panicking. "Please, Shino-kun... Kiba-kun..."

"Don't say our names aloud!" hissed Kiba quickly. Luckily Nils had now decided that Temari would pass as the prince's horse, and didn't hear Hinata's plead.

"She's right", Shino murmured. "This needs to be stopped... and since there are no jounins around, we'll have to do it."

"It doesn't know our names, so we have the advantage!" Kiba whispered. "All of us just have to do things right, and we can seal it away!"

"All... all right", Hinata said, glancing carefully at Naruto. He was making loud protests and demanding Nils to stop or he would get really angry and rip that stupid face into tiny little bits and feed them to ducks. Nils made him say some really sickeningly sweet things to his groom, causing Naruto to yell.

"'Oh my, it is hot out here, isn't it, darling?' said the prince. 'We need someone to fan us'", Nils kept telling. It looked around for a while and noticed Kiba's group whispering. Now it remembered Hinata was Neji's cousin, and turned to Kankurou. "Dear Kankurou, would you mind telling me the first name of the girl over there?"

"H-Hinata", Kankurou answered and cursed himself. Hinata gasped, hearing her name said.

"So", Nils said. "Two servants came to fan the lovers. They were Hinata and Neji!"

In a second both Hyuugas were wearing same kind of suits the dancers were. They

held two huge palm leaves which they were waving at the couple. Kiba and Shino gasped, knowing that this was their last chance to seal the trouble-making scroll.

"Let's do it!" Shino told Kiba, and they both formed a seal with their hands. While Nils was going on with its story, Shikamaru managed to whisper to Chouji:

"Psst, Chouji! It doesn't know your name, try to seal it!"

"What? But I..." Chouji whined, then noticed Kiba and Shino and decided to do something to help. "Okay, I'll attract its attention." He thought for a while. A growl from his tummy was of great help. "Hey, umm, Nils, you over there! You have anything to eat? I'm hungry."

Nils turned to look at him. It grinned and leaned closer to the boy.

"Well, I could, if you tell me your name first."

"Well, ah, give me something first. Then I'll tell it", Chouji answered.

"But I can't give anything to you if I don't know your name..." Nils trilled. Chouji's fake smile just widened as the sweatdrop on his head grew a little.

"Yes you can. You see, I can't talk very much with an empty stomach. My name's so long..."

"Hmmm..." Nils pondered. "Well, all right. Suddenly, an apple appeared."

A beautiful, red apple dropped on the sand next to Chouji. He grabbed it and started to eat it with pleasure. Behind Nils, Naruto and Gaara tried to kill each other by staring, and Kiba and Shino were almost done with their seal.

"Now, will you please tell me your name?" Nils asked.

"Mhmphtpgjjrudmngpeutmph", Chouji muttered his mouth full of apple. Nils frowned and said:

"Why won't you finish eating first."

Chouji obeyed, as slowly as he could. Bite by bite. Mouthful by mouthful. Swallow by swallow. Finally, his mouth was empty.

"Well...?" Nils waited.

"Thanks for the apple. It was great", Chouji praised, still fake smiling. Nils remained quiet. Chouji thought for a second. "Oh yes, my name... my name is... it is... It's Ginyuu! My name is Ginyuu."

"Ginyuu?" Nils wondered. "That's not very long."

"It's only my first name", Chouji said. "My family name's veeery long."

"Oh really?" Nils smiled. "And it is?"

"It's... uh... uh... eh... ah... uh... it's... my full name is..."

Suddenly a light flashed behind Nils. It came from Kiba and Shino's seal. Nils was just about to turn around and look, but Chouji yelled:

"It's Higashikunimarumukoufujiwara!!"

"What?" Nils asked, turning back at Chouji, and Kiba and Shino used the chance to finish the seal. It hit.

But alas...

...it wasn't strong enough.

* * *

We had this chapter ready for ages, but didn't find the time [or will] to upload it for a while... I'm sorry. Poor Sasuke [duh, he's such an antisocial little bastard, he deserved it]. Chouji made up quite a name, didn't he? The family name is a combination of long names - both of them appeared in CLAMP mangas; Ginyuu is meant to refer to milk and maybe a bit to the DBZ character whose seiyuu is Hori Hideyuki. Well, it was the first thing that came to MY mind, so why not Chouji's?

Next chapter is being written... I don't know how soon we'll get it ready... please be patient.


	4. Everyone's Names Revealed!

**Chapter 4: Everyone's Names Revealed! Kakashi Steps Into The Scene!**

"Okay. It seems that you two pitifully tried to seal this invincible me", growled Nils Börje, the talking scroll, who was now glaring at Kiba and Shino. Its gaze was piercing.

"Why didn't it work?" whined Kiba. Sasuke turned his/her head to look at them.

_The scroll is strong enough to resist that kind of a jutsu?_ s/he thought. _Just two genins aren't enough..._

"My sweet little Lee", trilled Nils, not even looking at the boy. "Why don't you tell me the names of those boys?"

After a moment of resisting, Lee had to gasp:

"Inuzuka Kiba and Aburame Shino!"

"Really - " Nils trailed off as he saw the bugs coming out of Shino's body, its mouth wide open of disgust. "_Jesus Christ_... that's _horrible_! I've never seen anything that revolting in my whole life, damn it! Ugh! How does he live?! Suddenly everyone grasped pesticide spray cans and started killing those ugly little bugs!"

A shower of poison covered Shino completely. He tried to shield himself with his hands, but the bugs on him got large portions of pesticide and started falling on the ground, dead. Shino reacted quickly, calling the remaining bugs back.

"I'm sorry!" cried Hinata as she dropped the spray can and begun to fan Naruto and Gaara again. Nils decided to go on with the story.

"Tenten!" it yelled. "Now go with - humm, what was his name again? I wasn't paying attention... hey, Tenten, what was his name?"

"Akimichi Chouji", cried Tenten desperately, believing that they were doomed to be Nils' toys forever. Nils smiled again with that annoying manner of its.

"Oh, nice! - It was?" It stopped to think for a moment. "Oh, well. Suddenly the prince's bodyguards Tenten and Chouji caught those evil robbers Kiba and Shino."

"And this one time it had to forget!" swore Shikamaru and hit his head to the ground. Sasuke almost fell off his back.

"So, the robbers were taken to the castle, and a horrible punishment was handed down to them!"

"Die", muttered Gaara, slowly tearing his sleeves.

"No, no, no, that's not nice enough!" Nils was horrified. "The prince said: 'Run fifty laps around this palace'."

"Run fifty laps around this palace", Gaara said. The doomed ones were about to protest, when Gaara continued: "Naked."

"WHAT!? You're not serious!!" Kiba shrieked at Nils, knowing not even Gaara could make up something like that on his own.

"Well, you were seriously trying to seal me, weren't you?" Nils told him.

As the criminals were serving their sentence [and the others tried not to look] Nils continued:

"Then, the jealous female knight appears on her faithful mare!"

"MARE!!!!" Shikamaru yelled in disbelief.

"Yes, mare", Nils giggled. "A female knight must have a female steed."

Shikamaru's head fell down once again, and Sasuke could hear him talking into the sand:

"Somebody kill me please."

"Ahem. The jealous female knight suddenly appears on her faithful mare", repeated Nils and watched as Shikamaru crawled towards the castle [Shino and Kiba were still running around it]. "The prince and the princess are just about to kiss..."

"NOOO! Don't you dare to make me do it! You - AAARGH!" Naruto panicked as Gaara unwillingly grasped his head and started pulling it closer to his, a really annoyed look on his face.

"When the knight enters and yells: 'She's mine!'"

"She's mine!" yelled Sasuke, his/her low voice almost high-pitched. Both the prince and the princess looked very eased, which certainly didn't fit into the story.

"The prince stands up, furious", told Nils, making large circles around the so-called happy couple. "He takes his sword and growls: 'Who do you think you are? Prepare to meet your maker!'"

Even Gaara was seen blushing when uttering out this line, clearly embarrassed. Sasuke was just as happy as he was. S/he drew out his/her sword and answered the challenge.

"The prince and the knight fought fiercely! And the princess was crying, afraid that her groom would perish and the evil knight would take her away!" Nils cried dramatically. Naruto wiped off the tears running down his face, but the crying wouldn't stop.

"This is really stupid", he muttered, looking ridiculous with streams of tears on his cheeks. Gaara and Sasuke were engaged in a fight - if it wasn't for Gaara's clothes or Sasuke's changed gender, they'd have looked quite normal, using common taijutsu and fencing techniques.

"Suddenly the knight used her secret weapon!" declared Nils. Sasuke pulled a Poké ball out of his/her pocket and threw it.

"I choose you, Kiba!" s/he yelled, then stared, astonished, at Kiba who popped out of the Poké ball, growling and drooling like a furious beast. Nils was the only one laughing, then it said:

"But suddenly the prince summoned his aeon to oppose the fierce Pokémon!"

"Come forth, Kankurou!" Gaara yelled, raising his sword to point at Kiba. The teddy boy ran towards the 'Pokémon' and attacked it, sending both of them flying straight at Sasuke, who flew over onto the sand dune.

"Ouch!" they heard the dune say.

Sasuke jumped back up again and turned to stare at the dune. Something was moving inside it: then a bush of grey hair appeared from the sand.

"Ooh, interesting", hummed Nils Börje and slithered closer. A huge smile covered its weird face, when Kakashi stood up - because of the mask, nobody could define what kind of expression he was wearing.

"Oh my, if it isn't my old friend Hatake Kakashi!" trilled Nils more annoyingly than ever. Kakashi looked at it.

"Hello, Nils", he said apatheticly.

"You remember me!" squealed Nils, circling happily in the air.

"Who wouldn't? You're such a nice person after all", Kakashi answered it, then glanced at the shinobi students, who were blushing of embarrassment. "So. You were told not to touch the scroll. And you did anyway."

"How did you - ?" Sasuke gasped. 

"You know that scroll?" Sakura asked - she, Ino and Lee were standing behind another dune of sand, they had been watching the fight.

"I was in the ceiling all the time", Kakashi snorted. "Good shinobi know how to hide in every situation. And yes, I know Nils very well. We bumped into each other last time he was opened."

"You fit into my story very well", Nils rejoiced and continued: "Suddenly the prince's advisor, Kakashi, stepped forwards!"

Kakashi's clothes changed into a long, purple robe with golden and silver pattern. A tall pointy hat, also purple, decorated his head. It covered Kakashi' left eye and his mask was replaced with a gauze.

"Oh, man", Nils moaned. "I still can't do anything about that masking?"

Kakashi's right eye gleamed in gleefulness. Other than that, he couldn't say he was happy with the situation. He tried to contain Nils:

"Nils, please, stop playing and accept being seale-"

"Never!" Nils laughed. "Oh hohoho! You can never have too much fun! So, where were we? Oh, yes! The advisor said to the prince: 'My lord, we believe in you! You will win this fight, for the sake of your kingdom and beloved!'"

"What goddamn beloved?!" Naruto screamed as Kakashi repeated the line. The jounin chuckled a little, then became serious again.

"Then", Nils went on. "The prince called for his steed, Temari, and climbed onto the back of his noble gelding..."

"WHAT!?" Temari croaked. "Why can't I be a mare too!?"

"It sounds better to have the rider and the horse the same gender", Nils explained happily. "Besides, it's funny!"

Temari tried to suffocate herself to the sand, but the scroll continued:

"The prince rode on his steed towards the knight, ready to strike! But! The knight dodged and hopped on her horse!"

Sasuke, his/her motions controlled by Nils, pointed Gaara with his/her sword and said:

"Surrender and hand over the princess! She belongs to me!"

"By your dirty toes, the hell I will! She is mine and will always be! Now, die, you damned!"

"The knight dashed towards the prince with her sword ready to kill", Nils cried overdramatically. "But the prince dodged the attack and tried to reach the knight's flesh with his own weapon!"

"He's getting repetitive, isn't he?" pondered Ino. Sakura nodded. Nils glanced at the girls and continued its story:

"Now, finally, the prince's advisor decided to end the fight with his special, secret technique! He told the prince: 'Look out, my lord! I shall finish her now!'"

Kakashi did as told, wiped his forehead and prepared for the great attack. Gaara rode aside and hopped off his horse, who collapsed on the sand, gasping for air. Everyone was staring at Kakashi, waiting for the "Big Bang" which would finish Sasuke off. The jounin was now ready to fire, and roared:

"KA...ME...HA...ME..._HA_!!!"

An enormous ray of energy shot from his hands and covered Sasuke (and his/her lovely mare) completely from sight. A huge arrrgh was heard, followed by a gasp from the crowd, followed by laughter from Nils' mouth.

Kakashi stared at his hands.

"Cool..."

When the blast faded, two burnt carcasses were seen lying on the smoking ground. After a while of silence, Sasuke stood up wobbling, pointed at Kakashi and Gaara with his/her ring finger and croaked:

"I'll... avenge... this..."

And then s/he fell onto the ground. Nils was laughing awfully [obviously, it had told Sasuke to stand up] and said:

"Now... the princess smiled and ran to his groom... and the prince took her into his arms..."

"Nooooooooooo!!" Naruto screamed as he flew towards Gaara, who spread his arms, looking VERY displeased. "Not again...!"

Gaara's knees were shaking under Naruto's weight [increased by the fox demon, perhaps... or the dress] and they both turned to look away.

"Awwwww...." Nils sighed and blushed. Kakashi frowned, his hands on his hips, and stated:

"Do you know what's wrong with you little boys? You never hug each other!"

"Well isn't it perfectly clear why!?" Naruto shrieked at him. Gaara mumbled approvingly.

* * *

You can actually notice when I have been writing and when Deer has done it. I use these [] and she uses these ( ). Some Pokémon and Dragon Ball crossovers again... and more will come... evil grin I'm sorry about Kiba and Shino's punishment. Deer wrote it and she didn't know what 'pöksysillään' [only in your underwear] was in fluent English, so... --;; More updates coming soon, hopefully!


	5. Kakashi Has A Plan!

**Chapter 5: Kakashi Has A Plan! What Is Nils Doing With A Rice Cooker?!**

Nils Börje, the floating, talking scroll with minimum amount of sense and a terrible sense of humor, ended the story with a huge wedding scene where everyone was wearing something big, white and frilly, especially the bride Naruto. The genin was a bit afraid that Nils would make him kiss the groom, but the scroll had already lost its interest and was making up other ways to humiliate them. Naruto felt a touch on his shoulder, whirled around and fought the wedding veil for a moment to see Kakashi looking at him.

"Naruto", he whispered. "Nils' attention is elsewhere. Make a replica."

"Eh?" Naruto exclaimed. "It doesn't work, sensei! See those statues? We already tried it!"

"No. I can open Nils' jutsu slightly", Kakashi explained in a low voice. "I'll send your replica for help. Nils won't have any doubts."

Naruto grinned triumphantly. He could wreak revenge on the stupid scroll which had humiliated him so badly.

"Okay!" he answered and got to work. Soon Kakashi took the other Naruto who wore a wedding dress as well aside, made some seals and pulled the air to reveal the empty corridor where the young shinobi had found Nils. The clone snuck out through the hole, and Kakashi closed it quietly.

"So, what funny things should I make you do next?" Nils pondered in a loud voice. Shikamaru tried to get up despite the shaking of his knees.

"Wh - what... _Kamehameha_?" he stuttered. Kakashi's eyes expressed his amusement. Now Naruto noticed that the sensei's Sharingan eye was also revealed.

"Hey, sensei..." he muttered. Kakashi pulled the hat down on his eye and lifted a finger onto his lips, as a sign to keep quiet.

"I'm such a genius", Nils giggled by itself. "What a great performance! Kakashi made a very good Kamehameha!"

"Thanks", said Kakashi.

"Now let's see", continued the scroll, curling around in the air. "Could it be I'm running out of ideas...? Hey, Kankurou! Tell a joke!"

"Why did a hen walk across a road?" Kankurou said without even realizing it. "I don't know, haven't asked, I don't speak Hennish."

The crowd of genins and one jounin was very silent, staring at the member of the Sand Team like he was an idiot. Kankurou slightly blushed and buried his head into his hood. Only Nils thought the joke was funny and laughed. After a moment, the scroll shrilled:

"Now, suddenly, a sea appeared!"

And a sea did appear. Out of nowhere, thousands of kilometres of water, there, in the Gob desert, right in front of Naruto and all the others' eyes. When they stared at the sea hardly believing their eyes Nils went on:

"Suddenly, everyone was wearing swimsuits!"

"Iaaaarghh!!" screamed Sasuke when s/he noticed s/he was wearing a tight, pink and white bikini and a large straw hat with a flower. All the (other?) boys and Kakashi wore swimming trunks, all different color. Kakashi also had a huge yellow snorkle, which covered over half of his face. Besides that, he had a pirate hat and an eye patch.

Besides Sasuke, the other girls, Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Tenten and Temari had women's suits. Sakura had a light purple one-piece, Ino's bikini were yellow, Hinata's were dark blue, Tenten's swimsuit was wine red and Temari's light brown.

Naruto's eyes were way bigger than his orange trunks; he had glanced at Sasuke (who did his/her best to cover his/her whole body) and had almost nosebleeded. Now he turned around and saw Sakura; his hands were drenched in blood. He quickly turned and saw Hinata; that if anything was a nosebleed.

"That stupid scroll...!" Ino cursed quietly and glanced at Nils over her sunglasses. "He's just a pervert like everyone else."

"You said it", Temari agreed. She, like all the girls, had sunglasses too. Sasuke, Ino and Tenten had straw hats and Sakura had a sunshade with her. Kankurou was an unbelievable sight only wearing trunks.

"Do me a favor", he said to Gaara, a fatalistic look on his face, "and bury me in the sand."

Gaara wearing beige trunks raised his hand a little, and sand flowed to cover Kankurou almost completely from sight. Both of the Sand genins seemed relieved, until Nils forced Shikamaru and Chouji to dig Kankurou up.

"Why do you have goose pimples?" growled Shikamaru at Naruto, who observed their doings, absolutely disgusted. "I'm the one who had to touch his _skin_!"

"Now, everyone", Nils said. "Don't worry, be happy, have fun!"

But the ninjas never had a chance to have fun, since Nils still controlled them and made them do everything they did. It had made a couple of sun loungers appear and some of the girls were lying on them, drinking ice cold juice or lemonade. Some people were playing volleyball on the beach and the rest were either building sand castles or swimming. Kakashi was doing the latter; only the snorkle was visible when he dived. He was the only one who actually looked like someone enjoying his vacation.

"Now!" Nils shouted suddenly. "It's time for the climax! The beauty contest!"

"NO!" shrieked all the ones wearing a women's swimsuit.

"Oh yes", sang Nils and made a long, fashion show like stage appear. "Now, suddenly Sakura, Sasuke, Ino, Hinata, Temari and Tenten climbed on the stage and all the boys - and Kakashi - sat on the beach around the stage."

All the contestants were blushing and trying to disappear by will power. Nils made up light effects and background music as he chose Rock Lee to be the commentator, and the contest began.

"Here we see our beautiful contestant number one!" narrated Lee to a microphone. "Her name is Haruno Sakura! She wears an aniline red swimming suit, sun glasses and a sunshade as a cherry. Aplodes for the sweet Sakura-chan!"

Sakura was smiling brightly as she walked to the end of the stage, posed for a second as the cameramen (Chouji and Kankurou) took pictures and then walked back. Of course, Nils was still behind all this.

"And next, contestant number two! Yamanaka Ino! She's wearing a nice, fitted yellow bikini matching to her hair and straw hat. Beautiful, beautiful! Look at that pearly skin and curves! Aplodes for the incredible Ino-chan!"

Lee was blushing as much as the girls as Ino showed a toothy smile posing and left the stage. Next, Hinata walked by the stage, swaying cutely as she did, and stopped to pose. Neji quickly covered his face.

"And now as number three, we see the shimmery Hyuuga Hinata! She is also wearing a bikini matching to her colors, inky blue and a little childish, fitting perfectly to her beautiful body. Aplodes for the heady Hinata-chan!"

The crowd gave aplodes as Hinata left smiling shyly and Nils forced Neji to keep his eyes open. The next girl appeared.

"Next, we've got Tenten as number four! She is beautifully attired in a wine red one-piece, with a straw hat completing the lovely ensemble. And what a smile! Aplodes for the twinkling Tenten-chan!"

Tenten walked across the stage smiling like a Barbie doll. Her expression changed swiftly as she got off.

"How long is this going to continue?" she wailed before being told to go to the backstage by Nils.

* * *

The ninja teachers had been enjoying their time off with full passion. Their fun had been cruelly ended, when the guards had arrived and told them about Nils' escape. Everybody ran to the old shack as quickly as possible, only to see an empty box.

"We'll have to find it", gasped Kurenai after staring a while.

"Who opened it?" asked Iruka demandingly from the nearest guard. She smiled weakly and said:

"Uh, well, there were many sightings of genin level ninjas... we thought they were genin, but they got us so easily..."

"I haven't seen my students for a while", Kurenai said, horrified.

"Imagine what it's going to do to them", Asuma chortled. Everyone silenced him by looking at him venomously.

"We'll have to ask everyone if they've seen it", Iruka stated. "I'll do it!"

The next moment he was gone.

"Wasn't Kakashi guarding it? Why didn't he stop it being released?" asked Baki. His face didn't show any signs of worry.

"Who knows", Kurenai sighed. They just stared at the empty box, not knowing what to do. Soon Iruka arrived with Hayate, Ebisu (and Konohamaru) and Anko.

"DAMN!" swore Anko and kicked the wall. "Who let this happen?!"

"Not me", everyone gasped. Konohamaru tried to take a look at the box, but his sensei stopped him.

"Don't go near it! That horrible scroll might get you!" Ebisu whined. Hayate didn't say anything; he just sent a sad look at the box.

"As long as we don't know where it - " An astounding sight cut him off. Naruto had just penetrated through the wall and was standing in front of them, wearing a beautiful wedding dress.

"I found you!" he screamed happily. "Yatta!"

"Oyabu...?" Konohamaru muttered. Ebisu quickly covered his eyes.

"Don't look!" he screeched. A couple of the teachers let out small chuckles.

"The stupid scroll did this!" the Naruto clone howled and pulled Iruka's sleeve. "It's insane!"

"I know", Iruka said.

"God, we know", sighed Kurenai and buried her face in her hand. Ebisu blushed heavily and squeezed Konohamaru's head, until the poor boy almost suffocated.

"You must help", Naruto panted and grabbed Hayate's sleeve as well. "Right now, before it humiliates me more!"

"Is it possible to humiliate someone more than that?" laughed Konohamaru, who had slipped from Ebisu's grasp. Anko looked at him smiling oddly.

"It really is, believe it or not", she said, sounding a bit amused. "Okay, let's go. Naruto, show us where the scroll is."

Naruto pointed at the wall. Some jounins took a moment to examine the wall and the jutsu it was sealed with. Finally they solved it and gathered everyone, preparing to step inside the jutsu.

"I want to come too", whined Konohamaru and hung onto Naruto.

"No way! That scroll must not tamper with you!" Ebisu screamed in horror. Too late. They were already standing on a dune.

* * *

"And our last contestant, the lovely lady, Uchiha Sasuke! Sasuke-chan is wearing a pink and white bikini, and she looks absolutely gorgeous! Her face, so mature for a girl her age, but look at that body! She's definitely someone to go for! Aplodes for the sexy Sasuke-chan!" Lee narrated, obviously about to cry. Sasuke posed to the camera, but his/her eyes revealed s/he was homicidal.

"Wooo!" shouted the audience, clapping their hands. All of them tried not to look.

"All right!" declared Nils as Sasuke stepped down from the stage. "Now I'll have to choose... but all of them are so beautiful!"

"If I just had my kunai or anything else, I'd slice that scroll into little bits..." murmured Tenten, but quickly shut up when Nils looked at her.

"Well, then. You're cute, but rude", it said. "I'd like a nice girl to win..."

"Here's nice to you!" screamed Ino and made a vulgar sign. Nils gasped and made a couple of panicking circles in the air.

"Horrible! Girls shouldn't do wicked things like that!" it complained. "You would have won, but..."

"Who'd actually want to win a contest like this?! Give our clothes back, you pervert!" Temari demanded, waving a sunshade at the scroll.

"Th - that's right!" Hinata squealed. Nils pouted a little and then yelled at them, angry:

"Actually, I think Sasuke-chan is _so much_ better-looking than anyone of you!"

"Turning me into a girl", Sasuke growled. S/he sounded so dangerous that everyone shut up. "Dressing me in a bikini. And making me pose like an idiot. In a bikini.You don't have to worry about being sealed again. I'll crush you before that. I'll burn you to ashes!"

Before Nils could even whine, Sasuke had formed the necessary seals and shot a huge blast of fire at it.

"Don't!" Kakashi shouted, running to stop him/her. "Fire doesn't work against him!"

"Too late", they heard Nils' annoying voice. "Sasuko-chan wants more fun? I feel just like it!"

Ignoring the warnings of her/his teacher, Sasuke used another jutsu. Nils evaded it easily.

"Stay where you are, you annoying recyclable paper!" roared Sasuke. Nils grinned and trilled:

"You really want me to do this, don't you?"

"Nils, don't", Kakashi said. "Seriously."

Nils took a deep breath and yelled out:

"Suddenly Sasuke was trapped in a - in a... rice cooker!"

A moment of silence during which everyone stared at the rice cooker that had appeared in Sasuke's place.

"That's not funny", Kakashi scolded the scroll. "Let him out."

"I won't", rejoiced Nils. "She fits there perfectly. It was her own fault."

"Sa - Sasuke-kun...?" Sakura stuttered as she stumbled to the rice cooker. "Sasuke-kun, can you hear me?"

"Don't you dare open it", Nils warned. "The first one to touch that rice cooker will be turned into a frog."

Sakura flinched and backed up to the other girls. Naruto came closer instead, then pointed at the rice cooker and asked Kakashi:

"He - he really is there, in that rice cooker?"

"Yeah", Kakashi answered. He was still looking at Nils disapprovingly. Nils seemed excited.

"This is horrible", whined Kiba and hid behind Shino. Right at that moment they heard a yell:

"Kakashi-sensei! I brought them!"

"DON'T SAY IT ALOUD!"

* * *

DB's eating my brain. I'm sorry, but I fancy the rice cooker. --;; I apologize in case you find any misspellings. The next chapter... won't be the last one. I'm sorry for taking such a long time to get this done. Oh, by the way, 'ko' (child, girl) is a common way to end girls' names, that's why Nils called Sasuke 'Sasuko'.

I have noticed differences between Finnish Naruto fans and the American ones. The Americans usually like Sasuke and dislike Sakura. Finnish fans hate Sasuke. xP I don't know how they feel about Sakura. I think she's a nice girl. Sasuke, on the other hand, despises others and doesn't really care for them. I don't seriously hate him, but he should... be nicer. xP I guess he'll change a lot during the series.

* * *

About Naruto pairings: I hate SasuNaru. AND NaruSasu. Naruto and Sasuke together?! The only one who deserves Sasuke is his brother, Itachi. I like ItaSasu, but it's not a very believable shipping. NaruHina is the only pairing for Naruto I can think of. I don't know about Sakura or Kakashi. I can tolerate KakaIru, but they're not believable either. Naruto is a good series because you can't just couple people up. I like that kind of series. One Piece is similar in that sense. xP Enough of the yapping. I don't know when we'll write the next chapter, but look forward to it anyway. It'll be good. 


	6. Teachers To The Rescue!

**Chapter 6: Teachers To The Rescue! Finally, Sealed Again!**

Naruto, wearing the wedding dress, ran down the dune. Aften him came the ninja teachers, some of them quite energetic, some not so energetic. Nils Börje the talking scroll was clearly confused. It kept swirling around in the air and squaled:

"What is this? Who told you to - "

It looked at the real Naruto and back at the false one, who ran to Kakashi, still screaming happily:

"I brought them, we did it!"

"This is only half of the victory", Kakashi warned him. "Now go to Naruto."

"Kakashi, nice to see you. Nice... clothes", Iruka mumbled as he reached the jounin. All the other jounins gasped when they saw their students.

"Sensei!" most of the genins howled.

"Is this going to end now?" Rock Lee asked, desperate. Iruka saw the rice cooker and almost picked it up, but Kakashi stopped him saying:

"Don't touch it, Nils'll turn you into a frog."

Iruka gulped.

"What's in there?" he asked. "Please say it's not a student."

"Sasuke", Kakashi answered. Nils had survived the shock and yelled out:

"Welcome, my dear friends! Hmm, do I remember your names correctly? Asuma, Kurenai, Baki, Ebisu, Anko, Hayate, Iruka... but who is this little boy?"

"He's the great Hokage's grandson!" whined Ebisu panicking. "Don't you dare touch him, scroll!"

"Nils-sama, may I ask", Nils corrected. "Oh, well. Since we finished the beauty contest, all of you can wear your clothes again."

Everybody were relieved to find themselves in their normal clothing again, especially the Sand team. Anko decided to get to business.

"Nils Börje", she said demandingly. "Surrender without resistance, or we'll be forced to - well, force you!"

"No", answered Nils, pouting. It flew a bit higher and continued:

"It's so much fun, I don't want to stop yet! I don't want to stop EVER!"

"He hasn't changed, has he?" Anko sighed. Hayate coughed a couple of times and told Kakashi:

"It seems we have to make some sort of a plan."

"You don't have a plan?" Kakashi asked. The mask covered his worried face.

"We didn't have much time to make one", answered Hayate and coughed. Kakashi pondered a moment, then shrugged his shoulders and stated:

"I guess I can trust it to you guys. I've got a book to finish."

He started reading Icha Icha Paradise as Nils thought it should continue its gruesome game.

"I've got new playmates!" it rejoiced. Hayate looked at Anko, and both of them started preparing the jutsu that would seal Nils away. The other senseis quickly joined them. Unfortunately Nils was no longer mentally absent, and as it noticed what they were doing it shouted:

"Suddenly Iruka's pants dropped!"

The senseis ignored Iruka's Doraemon boxers that were now visible. They were determined to end this now. Nils frowned and yelled:

"Suddenly everyone were holding tambourines!" 

The senseis threw the instruments away and continued making the jutsu. All the students (who also had tambourines) started throwing them at Nils, who made a couple of angly circles and screamed:

"How mean! Suddenly..."

It noticed it didn't have much time to stop the jutsu, so it quickly yelled:

"Suddenly a large portion of syrup poured over everyone!"

What Nils described "a large portion" would have filled the ocean that was still in the middle of the desert. For a moment, everyone were practically covered in brown slime, but it soon flowed away leaving them just sticky. Asuma slowly took his cigarette and looked at it sadly.

"Damn", he said.

Hayate's cough was even worse than before; Kurenai whacked his back and wished he wouldn't throw up. All the genins were screaming such comments as "Yuck", "Disgusting" and "Yummy" (guess who said that). Kakashi had quickly sheltered his book and continued reading.

Konohamaru was one of those who thought it was only cool that it was raining syrup. When everyone else were trying to get rid of the slime, he built a sand castle. Then his eyes met the rice cooker, which was still laying on the ground, now very much brown.

"What's that?" he wondered and walked to the thing. He bent over to pick it up, but his sensei Ebisu dramatically dashed to stop him.

"Don't touch it! It can be dangerous!" he screamed and pushed Konohamaru's hand away just in time. His own hand, unfortunately, hit the rice cooker and caused it to roll aside.

"How dangerous can it be?" asked Konohamaru, annoyed. "Let me look at it!" 

"Oh", Nils yelled out, delighted. "It seems Ebisu touched the rice cooker! I'll have to fulfill my threat!"

"What threat?" whined Ebisu, his face turning pale. Iruka (trying to pull his pants up) gasped in horror.

"Suddenly Ebisu turned into a frog. That's it", Nils stated and turned back at the shinobi students, thinking about other ways to have fun. "Please try to leave the rice cooker alone."

"Wow", whispered Konohamaru and touched Ebisu the frog to ensure it was real. Ebisu was so scared that he couldn't move; he just sat where he was and hoped he would soon wake up from this nightmare.

"Not trying to seal me anymore?" teased Nils, looking at the senseis who were helping the students. "Good. What could I do next?"

"You..." growled the two Narutos. Sakura told her teammate to get rid of the clone.

"Can't even the jounins stop it?" whispered Hinata, looking at her teacher who was busy helping Neji out of the syrup. The Sand team sweatdropped when they saw Baki, who didn't like the feeling syrup caused when it dribbled down his back.

Nils was getting bored again. Kakashi saved its day by ignoring the syrup and reading his book, relaxed. An evil smirk appeared on its face as it declared:

"Suddenly Kakashi's book turned into a shoujo manga!"

Kakashi flinched as he noticed he was holding a volume of Sailor Moon in his hand. In the same hand he had had his beloved book. And he had just been getting into the good part.

He stuffed the manga into his slimy pocket, took a couple of deep breaths and turned to face Nils. The cackling scroll soon froze when it felt the massive killing aura.

"Eh?" it squealed.

"It was quite funny when you humiliated all the students", Kakashi growled. He was much more scary than Sasuke. "A hug or two isn't that dangerous. I was fine with taking me in, too. But involving my _book_ - " the volume of his voice reached an unbearable amount of decibels - "I WON'T FORGIVE!"

"Eeek", Nils let out. It wasn't sure whether to get scared or not.

"You can't do anything to me", it tried. "I'm the great Nils Börje, the undefeatable scr... scroll..."

Kakashi ignored the scroll and just roared. Nils whined and turned around to escape, but it was shocked to find out it wasn't moving an inch.

"Get off me!" it screamed at the students who were hanging on its 'tail'. They had noticed Nils drifting lower and lower and finally caught it just in time.

"Now!" shouted Anko. The teachers quickly formed a circle (except Ebisu, who was now at Konohamaru's mercy) and started the jutsu from the beginning.

"Eat mud, toilet paper!" Kakashi brayed. "KAMEHAMEHA!"

"Wha - ?" some of the genins stuttered as they saw the huge ray of light strike Nils. The fake Naruto (who was still around) grinned and bragged:

"He copied it with his Sharingan!"

"Keep distracting it, Kakashi!" yelled Anko. Naruto, who had grabbed the scroll along some others, climbed up the scroll and grasped its neck if it had one to prevent it from speaking. Nils was squirming in panic. Kakashi was preparing another attack, but it was unnecessary. The senseis jutsu was ready.

"Nooo!" Nils screamed as it noticed how its 'tail' was beginning to wrap itself. The genins hanging onto it let go as the scroll kept wrapping itself. Finally, Naruto loosened his grip and said gleefully:

"Good riddance, scroll sucker!"

POP.

Naruto got up and looked at Sakura, who had come to help him. The kunoichi's eyes were relieved, and she couldn't help but smile.

"It's gone!" she sighed. Naruto grinned and followed his teammate to the circle of slimy ninjas, who were all staring at the scroll on the ground. It looked completely harmless.

"Shit", the scroll hissed. Kakashi landed his foot on it, content.

"That's what you get when you mess with things like MY books", he laughed.

"Enough of this crap", Anko burst out. She went to pick the scroll up. "Who was it? Who let this goddamn scroll loose?!"

The shinobi looked at each other.

"It wasn't us!" Sakura said. "We weren't even close to it, I swear!"

"We were behind them", explained Temari.

"It wasn't us either!" assured Hinata.

"Then it had to be you guys!" said Rock Lee, pointing at Shikamaru. The boy flinched.

"It could have been you too!" he yelled back.

"I know who it was", Kakashi interrupted.

Everyone looked at him.

"It wasn't you", he said quietly, pointing at his team. "Or you", he continued and pointed at the Sand team. "Or you, or you or you." He pointed at each of the teams, who gasped in confusion:

"Then who was it?!"

"There was no one besides us in that corridor!" claimed Kiba.

"Oh yes there was", Kakashi smiled. He turned to look at a lonely dune and asked:

"Why don't you already come here... _Gai_?"

Especially loud gasps could be heard from Lee's team as the thick-eyebrowed sensei rose from the sand, looking very guilty.

"Gai-sensei...?" whispered Lee, not believing his eyes.

"Gai...? What? You were there last time, too! Why would you... Why did you...?" stuttered Iruka. The rest of them just stood their mouths wide open.

"Well, I..." muttered Gai, his gaze locked in the ground. "I... I just wanted to win Kakashi so much and I thought... I didn't know it was Nils... I'm sorry..."

"I don't believe this", Anko said blankly. "I really don't have anything to say." Obviously she changed her opinion, for the next moment she roared:

"HOW COULD YOU?!! You _knew_ how dangerous that scroll is, unless you had some serious brain injury! How could you even _imagine_ taking it?! The genins are one thing! You are a jounin, goddammit!"

"Gai-sensei... I can't believe he could do something like this..." sobbed Rock Lee. Tenten was holding his hand, trying to comfort him.

"We'll discuss this later", Hayate decided. "Now, he have to correct everything we can."

"That's right, Sasuke", remembered Kakashi. "And someone needs to open this jutsu. Will you do it, Asuma, Kurenai, Iruka?"

"Hey, wait", Ino said hastily. "This desert and the syrup and everything, it's still here. How do we get rid of it?"

"It'll fade away", Hayate told her and moved away from the opening the other three senseis were forming. "In two or three weeks."

"You mean sensei is going to be a frog for two weeks?" asked Konohamaru, seeing endless chances. Anko took Ebisu from him.

"I'll take this", she stated. "Until he becomes human again, he'll need special care."

Konohamaru pouted for a while, but soon the scroll drew his attention. A scroll that could make his sensei a frog was truly amazing. What else could it do?

"What are you doing? Get out of here", Anko told him and shooed him away. The teams were already walking through the hole in the air. Sakura brought the rice cooker to Kakashi and let the sensei open it. A flash was seen, and a panting Sasuke was sitting on the ground, her/his eyes round and wide. His/her original clothes had been restored earlier along with everyone else's.

"Welcome back, Sasuke", Kakashi greeted and stuffed the rice cooker into his pocket to accompany the Sailor Moon. "How was it?"

Sasuke looked at him as though s/he was no longer able to see. Then, s/he gasped a couple of times and fainted.

"Sasuke-kun!" yelled Sakura and ran to help the boy/girl. Naruto just smirked.

"It was just a rice cooker", he laughed. Kakashi looked at him disapprovingly.

"Enough. Let's go home", he said, pointing at their 'door' that was being held open by Kurenai and Asuma. Gai stepped through it followed by a displeased Anko and an undisturbed Baki.

"So, Sasuke will turn back into a boy?" asked Naruto, more bored than curious.

"I think so. Most of them are restored completely", Kakashi answered. "Some consequenses are permanent, though."

For some weird reason, this comment made them look at Hayate, who was the last one on this side besides them and the door holders. He coughed a bit and stepped to the other side.

"You mean he's coughing because of that scroll...?" Sakura asked carefully.

"You should have seen what it fed to him!" Kakashi sighed pity in his voice.

"What?!" yelled both Sakura and Naruto.

"It's too disgusting to say aloud", Kakashi said. "I'll tell you more later. I hope you have learned something from this."

He showed his teacher colleagues a peace sign and made his way through the hole. Naruto and Sakura, both carrying the unconscious Sasuke, turned to look back at the desert and the ocean that was now light brown of the syrup. Then they looked at Sasuke and his/her body of a girl. Then they looked at each other. Without saying a word, they carried Sasuke through the hole.

"Heeeey, wait for mee!" yelled the false Naruto, still in the wedding dress, running to the door.

THE END

* * *

Don't even THINK this is the end. There's still the epilogue, the 7th chapter.

It's great people talked about things I mentioned in the last chapter. I have a friend who likes Sasuke enough to cosplay him (and she looks gorgeous) and there are many Americans who think Sasuke is - umm, a dork. When I said 'all', I didn't mean 'all'. If you get it.

There's a hint of a sequel in this chapter. I wonder if we're going to write one after this is finished. But now I'm going to rant about Naruto seiyuus.

Naruto repeats the pattern I've noticed in many shounen series: a series with lots of male characters has a male protagonist who is voiced by a female. (Other animes like this: Dragon Ball, Ginga Nagareboshi Gin, One Piece, Pokémon...) Takeuchi Junko, Naruto's seiyuu, does great work. This just proves to us that women make the anime world go round.

The senseis have great seiyuus. Inoue Kazuhiko as Kakashi is a marvellous choice. His voice is one of the reasons why I like Kakashi so much. He can be so genki Sasaki Nozomu as Hayate made his way to our hearts immediately. He coughs so cutely! Orochimaru's voice is a woman oO That's definitely one of the best performances I've ever heard. One of my favourites, Nakata Jouji, is Baki in Naruto. A funny guy who gets serious roles. 

The students: Ishida Akira makes a great Gaara, Paku Romi is wonderful as Temari, not to mention Morikubo Shoutarou (Shikamaru) or Toriumi Kousuke (Hinata). I don't have time to write more so... to the next chapter!


	7. Epilogue!

**Chapter 7: Epilogue! What Happened Last Time?**

A week had passed since the talking scroll had rampaged. The trouble it had caused had indeed started to fade away, but Sasuke still had to borrow Sakura's bra, Neji was still afraid of missions that involved jumping on roofs and Ebisu was still green and fond of flies. The senseis ignored these little hindrances and accepted missions for their students. Kakashi's team had just accomplished their latest one and were now enjoying a cup of -

"Raamen!"

Naruto devoured his portion in half a minute and had seconds.

"Go get some manners!" muttered Sakura and poked him. Naruto ignored her and polished off his raamen. Kakashi had once again managed to eat his without showing his face and was now observing his students, humming to himself.

"Don't you like yours, Sasuke? Let me have it", Naruto asked greedily and tried to grab Sasuke's cup. The only thing he got was a bump on his head. "Ow! If you wanted it, why didn't you just say so, you idiot?"

"The one who is an idiot is you", answered Sasuke looking very annoyed and ate his/her raamen as slowly as possible. To tease Naruto s/he even had seconds.

"I'm really tired", sighed Sakura, who had finished her portion and was now relaxing in her chair. "I hope we're not going to do another mission too soon..."

"If I were you, I wouldn't have high hopes", Kakashi stated. Sasuke glanced at him and placed his/her raamen cup on the table.

"Do you have a plan, then?" s/he asked, his/her voice breaking at the end. The others ignored it - they had already got used to the change of voice s/he was going through. Kakashi seemed to ignore his student's question too. He had pulled Icha Icha Paradise from his pocket and was riffling through its pages, frowning at the still remaining comic panels. Naruto stared at the cup of raamen and saw his chance: his hand surged towards the cup just when Sasuke raised it again. The cup fell as soon as Sasuke noticed where Naruto's hand had landed.

"AAAAAGH!" Sasuke jumped backwards and slapped Naruto on the cheek. "Pervert!"

"Now, Naruto, are you that desperate?" asked Kakashi peacefully.

"It was Sasuke's fault! He took that cup away just when I was about to snatch it!" yelled Naruto, rubbing his cheek. "What are you, anyway? You slapped me, girly boy!"

"Don't you go around stealing other people's food!" Sakura screamed and hit Naruto with a fan. "How dare you blame Sasuke-kun? You're at fault!"

"Calm down, everyone. You too, Sasuke", Kakashi told them, stuffing the book back into his pocket.

"It's that scroll's fault. It made me a girl", mumbled Sasuke and sat down, blushing a little. Naruto agreed totally.

"Talking of that, sensei promised to tell us about the first time the scroll was opened", Sakura said hastily to change the subject.

"That's right!" noted Naruto. "What happened then? What did that Nils guy do to you? Anything really embarrassing? Something like Sasuke? Did you turn into a woman?"

"No", Kakashi answered. "Not me."

"Then who was it?" continued Naruto, leaning over the table. "Let me guess! It was... uh, it was... it had to be Iruka-sensei, right? Iruka-sensei as a girl? What did that look like? Tell us!"

"I didn't say it was Iruka", Kakashi said.

"Naruto, you idiot! Let him talk and don't make stupid assumptions out of nothing!" scolded Sakura.

"But I want to know!" Naruto insisted. Kakashi groaned and straightened to look at his students' eyes.

"I can't guarantee you won't get any nightmares or traumas", he warned in the 'end of the world' tone of voice. "Do you still want to know who it was...?"

"Yes!" shouted Naruto and Sakura. Even Sasuke looked interested.

"Are you absolutely sure about it...?"

"Yes!"

"100-percent positive...?"

"YES!"

"Tell us already", Sasuke grunted. Kakashi grinned under his mask; his eye was gleaming.

"Fine. Have it your way. It was Jiraiya."

"No way. You're kidding us", Naruto responded straight away.

"It's true. But he liked it so much that Nils got annoyed and turned Anko into a man, too."

"You're... you're not lying, are you?" asked Sakura hesitantly.

"Nope", Kakashi answered happily. "Jiraiya was a girl, and Anko was a boy. But that's not all."

"Erosennin as a woman... must be the ugliest sight in the world", muttered Naruto. "Did the scroll make you others blind, or how did you survive?"

"What else happened?" Sakura asked, although she wasn't really sure she wanted to hear more. Kakashi lifted his index finger on his chin to emphasize his thinking and after a moment he continued:

"If I remember correctly, Nils made our headbands magnetic, so that our heads would get stuck together. We spent a couple of weeks locked to each other."

"What's difficult in remembering that?" mumbled Sasuke.

"That's weird. Did the scroll really think it was funny?" Sakura shook her head, only slightly amused. "Who were you stuck with?"

"Gai", Kakashi answered. "I think he was in much pain during that time."

"Gai-sensei? _You_ should've been the one in pain!" Naruto exclaimed.

"I was just a bit bored. It was hard to play cards with our heads so close to each other. Sleeping was difficult, too, and so was going to bathroom", told Kakashi; it seemed like he was enjoying his story. "And when it started to loosen, metallic things would stick in between our heads. Once we carried a pack of kunai around for a whole day. It was a little painful, indeed."

"Why didn't you just take the headbands off?" asked Sasuke, his/her voice breaking again.

"Well, after the Hokage removed his, Nils put extra-lasting glue on ours", Kakashi explained. "In some point, we thought we'd never get rid of each other... but I always thought that I was lucky compared to Asuma - he was with Jiraiya."

"I'd rather take him than Gai-sensei... but wait a minute... I don't know..." mumbled Naruto. "Let's leave that behind. What happened to Hayate-sensei? He's still sick because of it, isn't he?"

"Oh yes", sighed Kakashi. He looked disgusted. "Poor him."

"What did it feed him?" asked Sakura carefully.

"Believe me, you don't want to know", Kakashi said, but agreed to describe a bit: "It was... alive, slimy, full of tentacles and big enough to fill a milk container. What colour was it...?"

"Don't say anymore!" the students cried out. Naruto understood the situation very well. He'd have had permanent consequences too.

"Oh, he just kept screaming..." Kakashi continued absent-minded, absorbed in the painful memories. "We had countless nightmares - "

"We told you to STOP!" shrieked Sakura so loudly that a glass fell on the floor. "Just... what did Hayate-sensei do to make Nils punish him like that?"

"Hayate was", Kakashi answered, "too loud."

"Hayate-sensei?" Sakura was more than surprised. "Loud? He's everything but loud!"

"Yes, now", sighed Kakashi empathically. "He, if anyone, learned his lesson."

"That's... terrible", muttered Naruto.

"And strange too", Sakura pondered. "Naruto was like a bullhorn but Nils didn't stifle him. Just how loud was Hayate-sensei then...?"

"The others looked quite fine", said Sasuke to take their mind off the case.

"As far as is known, only two victims were damaged permanently", explained Kakashi. "Hayate was the other one, and the other was Orochimaru."

"What happened to him...?" Naruto asked.

"He died", Kakashi answered. "Nils killed him."

"_Killed_...?" squealed Sakura. She was as pale as Orochimaru himself. Kakashi nodded and clarified:

"He called Nils names. Some really bad ones. And tried to destroy him. In ways that were quite inconvenient. Nils did the rice cooker thing to him too - and plugged it in..."

The three students tried hard not to imagine that.

"It was really disgusting when he was half alive and half dead. He wandered around as a zombie for about two weeks. He - ahem - smelt. Not anymore, now he's just quite... unusually coloured."

"Deadish", corrected Naruto. He swallowed a couple of times as he realized that had Sasuke been a bit more rude s/he might have faced the same fate too. After a moment of silence Sasuke cleared his/her throat and dared to ask:

"Was that all...?"

"I guess not", Kakashi said and started pondering. "Other things that happened... I can't remember very well, everybody wanted to forget it afterwards... Oh, right, he made them kiss..."

"What? Who kissed whom?" Naruto howled and pushed his head so close to Kakashi's that if Nils had now magnetized the headbands nobody would have noticed the difference. "Tell me!" Kakashi did as he was told.

"Ebisu and Mizuki."

"No way!" shrieked all the students, including Sasuke. Kakashi grinned sadistically.

"Oh yes they did. I think it was after that when the Hokage got tired of him. The fourth one."

"How is that possible? He died when fighting the Kyuubi! You must remember incorrectly", Sakura argued.

"Did you really think that a fox demon could kill our Hokage? That's just something we came up with", Kakashi sighed. "It would have been embarrassing to tell everyone that he died when sealing an idiot scroll."

After a moment of silence their sensei got up and said:

"It's not suitable for me to mention this to anyone, so keep your mouths shut about this."

"I don't think I want to hear anymore anyway", muttered Naruto. He ran to the bathroom, leaving Sakura to ask:

"But sensei, there's one more thing. How could that scroll do those things?"

"Genjutsu of a certain type. Most jutsus of that type are forbidden, of course", Kakashi told her. "He was able to remember everyone's names because he wrote them on himself when he first heard them, so once your name was revealed, there was no escape."

"Kind of impressing", the kunoichi admitted, blushing a little. Too bad that such useful jutsus were forbidden... "That Nils was really dangerous! It's good that those jutsus can't be used by anyone!" Sasuke let out a grumble to tell them that s/he agreed.

"They are extremely complicated jutsus that could only be learned by using such means as..." Kakashi grinned, and his eye gleamed diabolically. "The Sharingan eye, for example."

A stunned silence during which Naruto came back from the toilet, still looking ill.

"You're kidding, right...?" Sakura said nervously. Naruto was trying to figure out what was going on.

"Why would I be kidding about something like that?" Kakashi wondered. His voice sounded somehow malicious. "Now, my dear Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto. You wouldn't mind doing 200 press-ups, would you?"

The whole raamen bar was covered in an impermeable silence as the evil sensei formed the secret forbidden seals.

"YOU DEVIL!" screamed Naruto from the floor.

THE TRUE END (?)

* * *

It took us a long time to put this up, this has been done for ages! We're sorry... but you've had something else to do meanwhile, I think... Some blabber about Naruto seiyuu once more. It seems I had a brain injury during the last rant, I wrote Kiba's seiyuu but Hinata's name. So Toriumi Kousuke voices Kiba, and Mizuki Nana voices Hinata... ; The seiyuu of the main characters are great as well, I'm especially fond of Sakura's voice, Nakamura Chie. She debuted as Sakura, so we're looking forward to many years of work from her Takeuchi Junko, Naruto's seiyuu, is one promising otokoyaku (a female seiyuu who does a lot of male roles). She sings well too Sugiyama Noriaki, who voices Sasuke, is good in his role, I like his voice too... but recently I've started to love Ootani Ikue, who does Konohamaru. Her voice is just too cute!

The bad thing in Naruto is simply that it doesn't have my Ultimate Favourite Seiyuu. Well, some of them, but it lacks Ogata Megumi, Nozawa Masako and Nakao Ryuusei... xPIt'd be lovely if they got roles later on.

About the licensed Naruto: I fear the dub already. I only watch anime in Japanese, so hopefully I won't have to bump into idiotic cuts, dialogue changes or dub voices, who aren't that good in America. xP

I hope you enjoyed this humoristic story. I will continue to write fics, not necessarily about Naruto, but will anyway. Thank you for support


End file.
